Yesterday was a good day. I woke up feeling fragile but determined to move on with my life. I set myself tasks, simple actions, to create positive results. The house was put in order, laundry dealt with, hens cared for. I knew that I had to make myself leave the house; at times even this is a challenge. I walked to the gym where I managed a good workout followed by a swim. I spoke to some people I know there; small talk, but human interaction that I am inclined to avoid when I feel down. I set out to achieve and succeeded.
Yesterday was my middle child’s birthday and I wished to prepare a fun evening for him. Presents were wrapped, a banner hung, a cake baked. I put on a dress and tidied myself up in honour of his celebration. The children came home and all focus shifted to them; to the birthday boy. The mood was cheerful and chatty; I was enjoying myself without effort.
It feels as though progress has been made. I went out into the world and coped. I created a relaxed and happy atmosphere at home, then allowed things to flow; I made no demands. I was able to enjoy the company of my lovely children without artifice. I feel good that my son found pleasure in the gifts and the food and the attention we provided.
This is how I need to proceed. I need to do my job as housewife and mother; I need to find ways of getting myself to interact with others that I can deal with and gain pleasure from; I need to create a relaxed atmosphere at home without expecting anything of others. I have sole responsibility for my happiness and my well being.
There are so many times when I think ‘If I could only…’ in response to my search for inner peace and contentment. I need to focus on coping with those things that I cannot control, that I cannot avoid and cannot change. I need to accept that others will live their lives by their rules, not mine. I need to stand up for my right to self determination, but allow others to go their own way alongside this.
It still feels as though I am watching myself from above. I feel detached from reality, observing how this body is dealing with getting through the day. Having set the scene, yesterday evening was effortless; I felt happy. Today I can feel satisfied that I achieved that small success.
I will concentrate on dealing with today. I can only hope that, given time, this hurt and fear will ease. If I can push aside my concerns for what may happen in the future and concentrate on completing the simple tasks that may be done now, then I will continue to make progress, to take those small steps. I will deal better with trials if I can learn to be strong alone; not relying on others who could let me down.
My life; my responsibility. I can do this thing.