I am staying under my duvet; trying to hide from the demons lurking in the periphery of my vision, waiting for their chance to pounce and bring me down. I will avoid them, ignore them, fight them. I can feel their presence but will not succumb to their dementor’s kiss; not this time.
The family holiday has finished and my boys are spending their days in their rooms, mesmerised by their computers, voicing frustration at games and at me if I try to suggest any other activity. This is so different to the way I brought them up to be. This is them as they are.
My daughter is away from home and I miss her company so much. I would not wish her to be anywhere else; I want her to experience life and adventure away from the ties of filial duty; I have no wish to bind her to me. It is I who need to fill the void that she leaves when she spreads her wings and leaps forward into life.
I am nursing a damaged foot, injured walking down the stairs; how stupid does that seem? Not an injury from an exciting activity or an accident due to attempts to achieve, but a sudden awareness of pain that has no apparent cause. It is preventing me from walking with ease; it is curbing my freedom.
I have aching muscles in my shoulder and back. Perhaps I have slept in an awkward position or swum with a bad technique. I cannot explain; I do not know. Today I feel old and battered.
I have allowed myself to put on weight again. At least I can take control of this, but not today. Today I will comfort myself with food and then despair at the tightness of my clothes. How pathetic I feel.
I need to get up and out and on. I need to make progress, not wallow and hide. The demons are lurking in the shadows, but I can put on the lights and drive them out. If only I did not feel so tired; I slept well last night yet do not feel rested. I shirk the responsibility I know I must embrace.
The rain has arrived after weeks of sunshine. Planned activities must be rethought, put on hold until the sunshine returns. Life is too short and precious to waste on a rain check. I will not succumb.