Rain check

I am staying under my duvet; trying to hide from the demons lurking in the periphery of my vision, waiting for their chance to pounce and bring me down. I will avoid them, ignore them, fight them. I can feel their presence but will not succumb to their dementor’s kiss; not this time.

The family holiday has finished and my boys are spending their days in their rooms, mesmerised by their computers, voicing frustration at games and at me if I try to suggest any other activity. This is so different to the way I brought them up to be. This is them as they are.

My daughter is away from home and I miss her company so much. I would not wish her to be anywhere else; I want her to experience life and adventure away from the ties of filial duty; I have no wish to bind her to me. It is I who need to fill the void that she leaves when she spreads her wings and leaps forward into life.

I am nursing a damaged foot, injured walking down the stairs; how stupid does that seem? Not an injury from an exciting activity or an accident due to attempts to achieve, but a sudden awareness of pain that has no apparent cause. It is preventing me from walking with ease; it is curbing my freedom.

I have aching muscles in my shoulder and back. Perhaps I have slept in an awkward position or swum with a bad technique. I cannot explain; I do not know. Today I feel old and battered.

I have allowed myself to put on weight again. At least I can take control of this, but not today. Today I will comfort myself with food and then despair at the tightness of my clothes. How pathetic I feel.

I need to get up and out and on. I need to make progress, not wallow and hide. The demons are lurking in the shadows, but I can put on the lights and drive them out. If only I did not feel so tired; I slept well last night yet do not feel rested. I shirk the responsibility I know I must embrace.

The rain has arrived after weeks of sunshine. Planned activities must be rethought, put on hold until the sunshine returns. Life is too short and precious to waste on a rain check. I will not succumb.

Buer, the 10th spirit, who teaches "Moral...


5 comments on “Rain check

  1. I had to check an English dictionary to find out what a dementor is: “Horrible, spectral creatures, hooded and robed, which feed on human emotions. ” You can tell I don’t read Harry Potter. At first I thought you meant ‘tormentor’.

    A dementor’s kiss — I like this vivid description. I hope a good sleep on a rather cooling day today will help.

    My son’s friend came for a sleepover last night. They spent most of the time on one single bed, one laptop each on each lap, playing online games together at the same physical place. They’ve been playing all morning. This is now their way of game, leisure and communication, and their bonding. I don’t like it but I have to accept it, as they both seem very happy.

    • zeudytigre says:

      I find accepting my boys apparent obsession with electronic games so hard. I need to remind myself that I too choose to spend a great deal of my time on my computer 😉

      • Indeed — that is a positive approach. My son will go on camping for a week soon, so I think there’ll be time when they’re outdoor.

        Once, I had three boys all upstairs, with 3 laptops, playing online game together, and there was another boy, playing through Skype with them. So it sounded like 4 boys upstairs. It was surreal. But it isn’t often; once a year or twice. So I have to accept that.

        These days, if his friends come to visit, they always bring their digital stuff to play. Could I force them to play Lego? No. I know it’s hard, and I just hope that they’ll know the limit and one day when my son has a job, I hope he’ll work hard as well.

        As long as our kids are nice, polite, do their homework, respectful, and kind to their parents especially, I think we’re doing a great job.

  2. E J Kay says:

    Don’t beat yourself up, particularly about the weight gain. It is an annoying but very natural effect of middle age, so try not to let it get you down. The only way I have found to keep it under control is to concentrate on eating fish, chicken, fruit and vegetables and to cut out cake, biscuits, chocolate (oh no!) and all other refined carbohydrates. It seems in middle age we are programmed to turn carbs into fat!
    My son is 23 and has played computer games solidly since he was 3. We bought him worthy Early Learning Centre stuff for years, but it sat in cupboards unopened. He’s turned out to be a well-balanced, sociable, intelligent (2:1 degree last year) and talented film post-production specialist who is starting up his own freelance business. He works as hard as anyone I’ve ever seen – computer games have done no damage to him at all, as far as I can see 🙂

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