Today I have been mostly sorting and packing and tidying; worrying about important things that I might forget, about the amount of stuff that I seem to be taking for just a few days away.
Despite the fact that I am hugely excited about my forthcoming trip, I feel stressed by the preparation. I am nervous and concerned at the same time as being eager to set off. I am used to having to pack for family holidays, yet do not have the confidence of a seasoned traveller.
It made sense for me to take time out this afternoon for a swim; a sure fire method of calming me down. Having gently propelled myself through the water for just a short half hour, the demands of preparation seem much less arduous; I have come home and allowed myself a little time to relax.
The last few times I have been swimming I have run into friends and acquaintances. I use my swims to unwind in my chosen solitary state, yet it feels good to catch up, however briefly, with people I see infrequently. In so many ways social interaction worries me, but these brief conversations have lifted my mood.
How can it be that I should look forward to an exciting trip yet suffer stress because of it; that I should avoid social occasions yet enjoy meeting up with friends? I am comfortable leading the life that I do and have grown accustomed to avoiding situations that cause me discomfort, yet when I allow my comfort zone to be challenged I remind myself that I am capable of so much more. I wonder if I need to recalibrate the balance of my life.
In many ways this trip away is doing just that. It is a challenge to the conformity in which I normally exist. I know that I would not have dared to travel without my husband to an unknown country and city if it were not for the prize of a chance to spend time with an old friend whose company I enjoy. I am defying my normal conventions in order to attain a goal that would otherwise be unavailable.
Yet even with this clear sighted desire I am nervous and worried. I do not understand why my reflex is to crawl away and hide when any challenge to my invisible existence is presented. When did I become so insular? How did this happen?
I want to open my mind to new ideas; to question the assumptions that those around me accept; to challenge the preconceptions that others have of me. To do this I need to experience change. Living in conservative, southern, rural England I do not come into contact with many liberal influences. I do not often get the chance to debate issues with those who are willing to voice thoughts that run counter to an accepted conformity.
I can and do read widely and question orthodoxies, but my thinking and reasoning are muffled and woolly. When challenged I capitulate too easily because I have not acquired the detailed knowledge to back up my instinct for tolerance and diversity. My approach is simplistic. I am not convinced by complex and convoluted arguments that run counter to my intuitive beliefs, but cannot back up my thoughts with a cogent rejoinder. I have grown too used to submission.
I want to allow my mind to soar on the thermals of new ways of thinking; to shake off the shackles of commonly accepted behaviour that leads to a perpetuation of the wrongs that blight our society. If I cannot change the world I can at least change myself and that will be a start. It will allow me to live more contentedly with myself.
‘It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little – do what you can.’
‘Never forget, no matter how overwhelming life’s challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world. In fact, it is always because of one person that all the changes that matter in the world come about.’Â
neverimitate 
As the friend in question (and by the way, shucks!), then in the matter of liberal influences, I’ll make a point of translating lots of the election posters you’ll see on the streets here 🙂 Seriously, it’s interesting and potentially instructive to see the sorts of values which, here in Berlin, are voiced not simply as partisan propositions but are more or less consensual givens.
Mind you, I remember that last election time here I also saw perhaps the ugliest racist poster I’ve ever encountered in real life, and that too was close to mainstream discourse…
I am just so excited at the opportunity to see such an interesting city, to introduce my kids to that, and to introduce them to you 🙂 Make sure you talk to them as you would to me. We will all benefit from your discourse – especially me!