It can be a challenge at times to take my own advice. I went for a lovely walk this week with a friend. I really enjoy this lady’s company, especially as I feel I can talk to her without having to watch what I say. We have known each other for a number of years and have many mutual friends. It is not that we are particularly close, more that she is accepting of other’s idiosyncrasies and, even when she does not agree with or understand behaviours, will listen and offer support. I value that she has stuck by me, even when I have been backing away from others and the prospect of company.
It is how I am dealing with those others that has made me realise how difficult I am finding it to act as I know I should. I have a suspicion that I have offended a few people with my behaviour over the past year. As I have been avoiding social gatherings there have not been occasions to observe how I am now treated; my suspicions are based on nuance and whispers picked up through unrelated discussion. When I raised the topic with my friend I felt that she did not wish to become involved and I backed down. This is not her problem.
I would always say that it is foolish to become concerned with how others see me. Those who care about me will accept me as I am; those who do not are best avoided anyway. How hard that advice is to follow in practice. I do not like to think that some of those I once socialised with regularly would now choose to avoid me, even though I am choosing not to socialise. There is little sense to the way my mind is scratching away at this conundrum.
It seems that I am allowing myself to fall into the trap that I have seen in others; that I am acting as though I am the fulcrum of events that affect me. In reality I am a slight breeze passing by other’s lives, whose effect decreases as my absence extends. Whatever others may think of me, I very much doubt that they think of me often.
It does distress me though that others have taken my backing away personally. I want to let them know that my choice not to join in was all about me, not them. I couldn’t cope with company and, for my own wellbeing, had to take time out. Yet how can I barge in and try to make things right when there may not even be a wrong to be considered? This entire concern could be in my head, a figment of over analysis.
Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I think that I am nursing a kind of madness; other times I feel so selfish. The one thing that I do know is that I can no longer cope with large, social gatherings and I have no idea why. If my actions have offended my friends then I do not know how to put that right.
Human relationships can be so complex and difficult to navigate. I am immensely grateful that, through all of the things that have changed in the past year or so, my little family have remained constant and there for me. I have not had to suffer rejection or unhappiness because I can still have a lot of fun with the people who matter most to me. I love and I am loved. With that base I have the strength to face the rest.
We each live our lives looking out from inside the vessel that is all others can perceive. The world may not revolve around us, but our world does. For now I am sailing on choppy waters, buffeted by my waves of concern over how my behaviour is being seen by others. I need to listen to my own counsel and accept that this should not be a major issue. I need to find the calm waters of self acceptance and relax.
Just in case my post has been a bit too serious, allow this dalek to help you relax. We like Doctor Who in this house.