I have recognised for quite some time now that I do not get on with big celebrations. The pressure to act in a certain way proves too much for my head to deal with and there are repercussions. The problem is I have yet to figure out how I can avoid these situations. I want to be a good wife and mother; I want to do whatever makes life better for those that I love.
The long, holiday weekend had it’s highlights. Husband decided that the weather was too good on Friday and Saturday to waste around the house so we went out walking. Before children this was how we spent a lot of our down time, and it was pleasing that we were accompanied by our boys on these recent outings. We walked for many miles through our beautiful county, enjoying the sunshine and fabulous views. We returned home feeling wind blown but relaxed; physically tired and achy but in the best possible way.
We decided to forego our traditional Friday supper for a barbecue. The kids left their computers and joined us in the garden where much food was eaten and ping pong played. We watched a film together that we hadn’t found time for since we received it at Christmas. Although I could feel myself becoming agitated I managed to keep my nervousness under control. I was experiencing vivid and disturbing dreams, but I was coping. Things almost went as well as I could have hoped for.
Sunday I had invited my in laws round for a big, Easter lunch. If you are familiar with my blog then you will be aware that I have lost all confidence in my ability to cook, and what would be considered normal socialising for many has become a challenge for me. Deciding that I could do this felt like an achievement. We had invited good friends to stay the weekend before and that visit had been enjoyed by all. I was feeling resolute as I cleaned my house and prepared a welcoming meal that was long overdue.
As ever, I cannot pinpoint any catalyst for what went wrong. Yes I was on edge but I was doing okay, right up until the time when I was not. The meal was a rare success and we had left the table to relax on our sofas and chat. I excused myself for what should have been a moment, and for no reason that I can fathom, mentally crashed. More than anything else, at that moment, I needed to put my head down and get away.
Husband was brilliant. When he came to find me he held me, reassured me that it was okay. The world would not end because of how I had behaved. The effort of holding myself together became too much and I unravelled; I guess the only good thing to look back on is that I found a quiet place alone in which to implode.
It had felt as though I was doing so well. After my in laws left, after I had behaved hysterically with husband, I rested and then rejoined the family. I was exhausted, drained, all feeling washed out. Monday I felt worn down and numb, spending most of the day on the sofa, off line, with my book. Heaven only knows what my in laws think of me; I am probably best not following that thought. Husband assured me it was okay; I must leave it at that.
For my husband’s sake I wish that I could be better, but I do not know how; I truly did my best. I am so weary of this brain of mine with it’s hang ups and neurosis. Today I feel an element of anger that I cannot just behave as I wish, yet I recognise that I have obligations even if I do find them difficult to fulfil.
I am improving. A year ago this type of crash would have taken me weeks to recover from. Although I am disappointed in myself, that I could not hold out for just a little longer, my reaction was contained. Perhaps this is really just a big deal for me.
Today my little family returned to work and school. I can spend the day putting my house in order and recalibrating my inner calm. I am blessed to be surrounded by love and support. Those hugs kept me grounded this weekend, despite the storms.